I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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