you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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