Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
