a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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