I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize