This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
