I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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