I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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