I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
