Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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