allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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