did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
