I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
