My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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