remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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