So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
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Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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