I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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