If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
