shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
