My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
