Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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