Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I cut my penus on the lid.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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