Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
