I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
