I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't turn off my feet"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
