Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
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Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Everyone says I win the strip club
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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