walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
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And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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