a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
FUCK WHALES
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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