She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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