Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
