some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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