I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just high enough for therapy.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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