from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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