You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize