allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
