I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
