You smell like a Billy Joel song
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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