I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
