my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
