i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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