My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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