i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night