this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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