I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
