12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
