I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
