Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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