my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
