So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
