Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
