I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
