oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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