Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize