I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
