He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Enjoy the penises
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
