I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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