once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
