I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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