I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
