man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
