yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
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I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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