Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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