my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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