trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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